I have been informed that my behaviour reached an all time low during the recent visit to Thailand . . .after deportation I was thinking along the lines of being single. Folly such a thought, my heart aching & swimming & I dearly missing Kate despite being convinced that the relationship was an unbearable & intolerable disaster. However influential my raging drug addiction upon matters is not really up for debate but still I found myself incapable of justifying all the pain & general disfunction of much of the affair. And so I flee/am booted out . . . part of me retains a contradictory belief that I can learn from the shame & strain of my awfulness & become a better man by default. There’s hope for us all, right? why not.
I have been banging up I confess, and yet my use is extremely moderate and controlled what am I saying? Kate will not tolerate this shite I wouldn’t blame her, and alongside the fixing neither of us seem to completely trust each other although I love her and no other and the tiffs & tumults come between magical happy times. the most cherished hours are those spent in her arms . . . so why this suspended feud? oh I dunno, she certainly knows how to get a rise out of me. Or tears. Or low-flying guitars. Is it me trying to avoid the reality of my most antisocial habits, or is there any defence in these debates that I can confidently use. . . and so I sorry selfish c*** I might well be . . .
It is divinity itself, true love, and hell is the heart’s terrible palpitations as a “turning” is in the offing. All I wish for is for her to come and lead me back out of the dark.
3pm, 29th Jan 2007
So there’s a silent pop as I find the vein & launch a great shift into my system. Eye-closing, jaw tightening speedballing through the opening hours of my detox at the Nightingale Hospital, Lisson Grove. It begins now, does the rest of my life.
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